We love reading inspirational newsletters, blogs, and books. As you can imagine, our favorite book is the Bible, but another favorite is the Blue Zones e-newsletter. We combined some truths we learned at Sanibel Community Church with a recent Blue Zone e-newsletter to write today’s Dr and Dietitian article.
Why is it important to be a good listener? We all know what it feels like to be in the presence of someone who looks you in the eye and truly hears you and deeply cares. One of those people for us was our first pastor – Peter Blakemore. True listeners make us feel valued, loved, heard, understood, respected. We feel safe, not judged. We are important to that person – we matter. We can truly be ourselves and share truths and heart-felt concerns. Often these types of people will help develop greater insights or different perspectives on a difficult situation. “The simple act of being listened to can melt our defenses and open our minds.”
Unfortunately, not too many good listeners exist. Having taken a course at Sanibel Community Church called “Transformational Conversations” we have become keenly aware of the lack of listening, combined with the many distractions that most people experience during conversations. Learning to actively listen, ask questions, and not talk about ourselves or jump to a story has been life-altering for many of our relationships.
When we actively listen, we are in the here and now – not thinking about the future or trying to recall a story from our past to “one-up” the person speaking to us. Not actively listening takes a toll on relationships of all kinds – spouses, kids, workmates, friends – all of them. Not actively listening is quite rude and gives the appearance of being boring and even narcissistic. As we have talked about in other articles, our lives here on earth are not just about us. We are here to love God and love other people. Truly listening shows we care. Not listening makes people feel like they don’t matter and eventually people will stop sharing because they get the message that the listener really does not care.
Transformational conversations involve listening with compassion without judgment with an end goal of actually understanding – not to win an argument or even solve a problem. This involves NOT talking or thinking of what to say next, only asking clarification questions. It does not involve checking cell phones or watches, yawning, or looking around. It involves sitting in an engaged position with good eye contact and minimal distractions. After listening, paraphrase what you heard to show understanding. “So, what I hear you saying is…” “It sounds like this made you feel…” As you listen, practice compassion, curiosity, and courage to go where you may have never gone before. The results will astound you!
Many feel lonely, unheard, or misunderstood, or would just like to feel loved. It is a great gift to truly listen and become a part of someone’s life. Using this method will transform relationships and the world at large if we all choose to try this in our conversations. The world could sure use some more compassion and understanding.